Strike Three

In a bold move to solve many of the major issues facing this country, Representative Henry Waxman of California has called upon his House Oversight Committee to investigate the use of steroids in baseball. Waxman has stated that, if he can resolve the steroid issue, the economy and the war in Iraq will take care of themselves.

Waxman is quoted as saying that “It is not within the purview of this committee to worry about Iraq or the economy directly. However, our little group, operating in the backwash of the legislative process, feels that if we can solve the steroid problem in a game that symbolizes all that is good about this country we will establish a template for the resolution of other problems facing this nation.”

Many on the committee expressed feelings similar to Representative Waxman’s. Ranking minority member Tom Davis of Virginia is of the opinion that,” as a back bench member of Congress, this is my first chance in the national spotlight. This is really my first chance to be on the national stage. Besides, who knows? These hearings may set the stage for the solution of a broader sense of issues.”

When asked how the hearings were going to play in her home district, Democrat Carolyn B. Maloney of New York felt that anything that got her name in the papers would go a long way toward helping her reelection in November. “Many of my constituents are Yankee fans, and they want to see this issue resolved even if it seems that we are treading where many people feel we have no right to go. That hasn’t stopped committees in the past.”

Democratic member of the committee and presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich of Ohio was conspicuously absent from the first day’s hearings. When reached for comment he stated, “I am having enough trouble keeping my presidential campaign from being a laughingstock, why would I want to take part in something that would just exacerbate the problem. I am however disappointed that I will not have a chance to get Roger Clemens’ autograph. In spite of being a long time Cleveland Indians fan, Roger has always been one of my heroes.”

As expected, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig and Player Representative Donald Fehr had differing views on the hearings. Selig agrees with Waxman that resolution of the drug problem in baseball can have far reaching effects on the other key issues that are facing the country. He believes that if the committee can rid the great American pastime of devil drug, Congress can rid our nation of the threat of terrorism, solve economic issues and increase ticket sales.

Fehr has a less optimistic view of the proceedings. “While I agree with Mr. Selig that the resolution of this problem would certainly increase ticket sales, I find it reprehensible that professional baseball players are being blamed for the faltering economy, the war in Iraq and are being branded as terrorists. The millions of dollars our members are paid each year have nothing but a positive effect on the economy. Whether we are to blame for Iraq or terrorism is well outside the collective bargaining agreement we currently work under.”

Committee hearings will continue until the country in general loses interest in the whole proceedings. It is doubtful that that will be longer than a week.